“when i think of everyone else out there in the world that goes through their life alone, and then i think of all the amazing years i’ve gotten to spend with my beautiful, beautiful best friend, i kind of feel sorry for everybody else”—Peyton Sawyer, One Tree Hill (via tangerine18)
”At this moment there are 6,470,818,671 people in the world. Some are running scared. Some are coming home. Some tell lies to make it through the day. Others are just not facing the truth. Some are evil men, at war with good. And some are good, struggling with evil. Six billion people in the world, six billion souls. And sometimes … all you need is one.” - Peyton Sawyer
PUCK:I'll take my victories anyway that I can get 'em.
PUCK:It's really good that you went and found him when you did then. Especially if he knew what it was like and made it out the other side of it.
PUCK:Weird 80s music phase? Take it back. Take it back and say that the 80s trump the 70s.
PUCK:Yeah, we need to talk. Text just doing do it all the same. I won't be home. I mean, I'll be around, but it's Hanukkah. Maybe Friday afternoon?
LAUREN:I'd probably be doing the same, to tell you the truth.
LAUREN:I know. Maybe it was fate or something...or some huge stroke of luck. Either way, I'm so thankful for everything he said.
LAUREN:Nope, no can do. I can't take back the truth.
LAUREN:Whenever you're free works for me. Just let me know. Can I just ask a favor? ....If you think this talk isn't going to end very well for me, could you just give me a tiny heads up so I can at least prepare myself to deal?
You singlehandedly ruined the first half of my senior year with your swift little move. But just so you know, I’m coming back stronger than I’ve ever been before, both mentally and physically. Watch your back, because I will get my revenge.
Dear best friend,
I’m so sorry for the way I’ve acted these past couple of months. I’ve been pushing you away and getting angry at you every time you’ve tried to help me and I feel so horrible for the way I’ve been treating you. I’m afraid that I’ve lost you for good…but I’d do anything at all if it means I can have you back in my life. You’re the best friend a girl could ever have and I’m so sorry for everything.
Love always, Lauren
I haven’t been that great this year, but if somehow, I’m getting something from you…all I want this year is for my parents to feel whole again. I miss Brett everyday…but he would’ve wanted all of us to keep on living our lives to the fullest, not just enough to get by.
Merry Christmas, Lauren
Dear Future Me,
I want you to remember the conversation you had with Coach Lirette whenever you feel yourself slipping back into the darkness. You know you won’t find the hope, the courage or the answers you’re looking for there. As long as you make the decision to be happy, you will be.
Love always, Lauren
Dear past me,
Whatever you do, don’t push people away when the try to help you. That thing that’s eating you up inside…it won’t just go away if you leave it alone. It’ll get worse. So take your friends’ help when they offer it…and please, don’t take anyone for granted. One day, they might not be there anymore.
Dear person I’m jealous of,
I wish you didn’t get under my skin as much as you do. I wish I wasn’t jealous of you, but I can’t help it. I’m losing this battle and you’re winning.
PUCK:I'm going to focus on the part where you said that I'm right.
PUCK:Whatever reason it is, I'm really glad that you did. It sounds like it helped to have someone like that, and if he got you to not want to closer yourself off from the world, he's a good guy in my book.
PUCK:The worst taste in music ever. They'd use your kind of music to torture war criminals.
PUCK:I mean, you sound different this time, but you told me before you wouldn't shut down on me, but it was a lot more of the same. I really do hope this is the break through that you've been looking for, and we're going to talk about all that when you get back, right?
LAUREN:Yeah, you should do that. I don't say it often enough, even though we both know you've been right more times that I have these past few months.
LAUREN:I think...it felt like he was speaking from experience or something. I don't know, like he'd gone through exactly what I'm going through right now. It was so strange, especially since I had just met the guy. But yeah, he's really great.
LAUREN:Oh please, that's crap. My music taste is awesome. You're just stuck in your weird 80s music phase or whatever.
LAUREN:I know...and I'm so sorry for doing that to you. I was just trying to convince you and myself that I'd be fine if I was just left alone to deal. But I guess I didn't fully realize that things got worse when I was alone...I wasn't myself. But I swear to you that it's different now. I'm done telling people I don't need them, because I do. Yeah, we're definitely going to talk...if you still want to, that is. I'll be home tomorrow night.
PUCK:You hear snow, you think winter. It's the holiday season, and you're picking rain over snow? Just not right.
PUCK:Damn. Well I'm really glad you decided to stop and talk to that guy then. That's really great that he helped to put things in perspective for you. He sounds like a good dude.
PUCK:No way. It's not even a contest. Your taste in music is terrible.
PUCK:Maybe not happier than, but you definitely sound different than you have. It's like you have some of that spark back. So no more avoiding and pretending everything is good? And you know, it was a weird couple months. I'm not sure what to do with your apology. I wasn't expecting one.
LAUREN:Whatever. I was thinking about the rain here, like right now. I'd choose this over snow any day. But in Lima during the winter...you're right.
LAUREN:I'm telling you, it's like something took over my body and made me talk to him. It was so strange, but I'm really glad I did it. He really is....reminds me of my dad actually.
LAUREN:Oh please, I've got great taste in music.
LAUREN:I do feel different now than I have in the past few months. I don't feel so weighed down anymore, you know? No more avoiding and no more pretending, I promise. It'll be different. Yeah, you're telling me. In the span of three months, I managed to ruin everything good I had going for me. ...I knew you probably wouldn't expect one, but you deserved one. I've treated you so badly and pushed you away the most, when you were the one that was trying to help me get through things. I just wanted to trying to fix things between us and I figured that a real apology would be a good start. But it's okay if you don't know what do with it....I know it'll take time, but whatever I need to do to fix things, I'll do it.
PUCK:There is no flaws in my logic. Snow is better than rain in the winter. No question about it.
PUCK:Right on. So if you guys didn't talk sports for two hours, what kept you busy? Getting the hard sell for UCLA?
PUCK:80s is better. How can you even doubt that?
PUCK:At least you're having fun. You seem happier than you have been.
LAUREN:Hang on a minute, you didn't say anything about this debate being set in the winter. I thought you were just talking like overall.
LAUREN:It's strange, to tell you the truth. We mostly talked about me and the year I've had. Remember how I said it was like he knew everything I was going through or whatever? The advice he gave me and some of the stuff he said...it really sunk in and kinda pulled me out of whatever it was that was eating at me inside. I walked out of his office thinking clearer for the first time in a long time.
LAUREN:Easy, because the 70s will always beat the 80s, in terms of music. I don't know how you can think otherwise.
LAUREN:Yeah, I'm glad I went. I don't know if happier is the right word just yet, but I've a conscious decision to fix things that I've messed up lately and to not shut myself off from everyone who's trying to help. Which...I've been meaning to truly apologize to you for all the shit I've put you through these past couple of months. I was just in stuck in a bad place and instead of letting my friends help, I dragged down them down with me. I hope you can forgive me one day, but I understand if you can't.
PUCK:It just does. It's a fact. Rain turns into ice which sucks way worse than just snow does.
PUCK:Damn, he must have really wanted you on his team. Surprised he hasn't got you talking to all kinds of specialists or something. It went good though?
PUCK:You need better taste in music.
PUCK:Oh, I thought the whole thing was so you two could hit up a concert together.
LAUREN:Are you kidding? When snow melts and refreezes, it turns into ice too. So that argument is totally flawed. Plus, the temperature is warmed outside when it rains compared to when it snows. So I still think rain trumps snow any day.
LAUREN:Yeah, it went really well I think. But we didn't talk about wrestling that much. All he said about my wrestling that I caught was that he and his staff have been watching me since the beginning of junior year and they knew they were gonna offer me a scholarship slot before senior year even began. He was also at my first match after my injury...that's match impressed him the most, he said.
LAUREN:I should say the same for you, Mr. 80s-music-is-better-than-70s-music.
LAUREN:It was more of us getting out of Lima and enjoying good music while we're at it. He at least looked like he was having fun for the few minutes that I saw him.
PUCK:Snow trumps cold rain. At least snow is nice looking for the first five minutes or so until it gets all gross.
PUCK:Ah, damn. That sucks having a full ride to a school you like only to have it fall through. You okay?
PUCK:Was he a virgin when he wrote that song? Come on. So many better ways to go with it than calling a chick an amusement park. Just saying. You know that I'm right.
PUCK:Hell yeah. Poor suckers who paid full price for those things. So...how's Rick?
LAUREN:How does snow trump rain? I hate driving in the snow and shoveling it is just a pain in the ass. At least with rain, you really need a crap ton of it before it causes any real damage.
LAUREN:Yeah, I'm good actually. That's the funny thing. The coach wouldn't take no for an answer. He said he wasn't going to accept me declining the offer until he talked to my coach back home. But my coach knows that I can't wrestle anymore, so I don't know what's going on. I'll tell you this though...I talked to that UCLA coach for over two hours yesterday and I swear, it's like he knew everything I was going through. It was weird.
LAUREN:But there were some really nice metaphors in that song. You're right on a lot of things, but I don't know about this. I really like 'Your Body is a Wonderland'.
LAUREN:...I wouldn't know. We kinda went our own ways once we got to LA. I saw him for a good ten minutes tonight, before I talked my way to the front.
PUCK:Well that's shit. It's not supposed to rain in California.
PUCK:Really? Even with the rain? Wait, I thought you couldn't wrestle anymore.
PUCK:Your body is a wonderland? What does that even mean? That's all I needed to hear from that guy. I bet he makes the same faces when he gets laid.
PUCK:Like anyone would even stand a chance. Damn, you must have been close to the stage.
LAUREN:That's exactly what I thought. But then I remembered that it's probably gonna snow in Lima soon. And suddenly, I was okay with the rain.
LAUREN:Yeah, even with the rain. It made everything look so...peaceful and fresh. At least that's what I remember thinking when I wasn't getting splashed on my douchebag cabbies. I can't....but I got an email yesterday morning that was pretty much an official wrestling scholarship offer from them. I figured that since I was in town, I might as well tell him in person that I couldn't accept it.
LAUREN:He wrote that song about a girl he was sleeping with and how she looked in bed. It's kinda poetic, in a sorta-manwhoreish kind of way. Ew, can we not talk about the faces he makes that way? I mean, he's hot...but those faces are just gross sometimes.
LAUREN:Well, it wasn't like I was actually going to hit her. But yeah, she was intimidated enough that she practically handed it to me. The tickets were not the greatest, but I talked my way down to the front. It's funny what a little wrestling talk with one of the heads of venue security can do for someone.
“Every once in a while people step up, they rise above themselves. Sometimes they surprise you, and sometimes they fall short. Life is funny sometimes, it can push pretty hard, but if you look close enough you find hope in the words of children, in the bars of a song and in the eyes of someone you love. And if you’re lucky, and if you’re the luckiest person on this entire planet, the person you love decides to love you back.”—One Tree Hill. (via jfouchebag)
RACHEL:I'm absolutely sure. As lovely as Elton is, he doesn't exactly make great conversation and it would be nice to actually get to talk to someone. Come over to Blaine's whenever you're ready, and we'll talk this all through. I'm sure it's not as bad as you're thinking anyway..
LAUREN:I know you didn't. It was just a general observation I was making.
LAUREN:Okay, I'll be there in a bit. Thanks Rachel. Actually....I think it is.
PUCK:Never hurts. Doctors can be wrong too. Just doing what I'm doing, and seeing where it takes me. As long as it keeps me around Beth. I'm not going to be some loser or something, but I'm not freaking out over it like everything seems to be.
PUCK:What's the current way of dealing? I figure boxing has to be out if wrestling is, unless it's kickboxing.
LAUREN:That's good. Something perfect will show up for you, I know it.
LAUREN:Music and writing have helped lately. I also go to visit my brother's grave and just talk to him about stuff. That helps the most. The meds have also helped a little.
PUCK:Oh. I didn't know you'd already done all that. Yeah, of course you will. You'll have more time to focus on everything else now. It's not like wrestling was the only thing that was going to get you into college.
PUCK:Still or you were? Keeping it all inside is only going to make you more angry. You should find a way to let it all out.
LAUREN:Well, you have been telling me to get second opinions all year. I figured hearing that was reason enough to get a second opinion. Yeah, that's true. I guess I'll just see what happens. What about you? Have you figured out what you're going to do after graduation?
LAUREN:Kind of both actually. I've let a lot of anger go, but there's still some that I just can't get past. It's a work in progress.
PUCK:But that doesn't just take it all away. That stuff is always a part of you now. You could always get a second opinion? I don't know. It doesn't just mean things go back to how it was before somehow.
PUCK:What are you so angry at? Minus what I wrote in the last text.
LAUREN:I did get a second opinion and I'm not going to wrestle anymore. It's okay...I'm sure I'll find something else I can do.
LAUREN:I'm mostly angry at myself for lots of things. And angry at the world too sometimes.
PUCK:It's not hard. All you have to do is stop pushing and talk. For a badass, you're really running scared now.
PUCK:I want you to go on your trip. I couldn't ask you to miss that. This past week just getting away was a good thing for me. You deserve to have that too.
PUCK:You're not being a bitch. If you unleashed some bitch at me, maybe then at least I'd know that you're mad at me until it's too late and you're planning to run off to LA with some other guy.
LAUREN:Yeah, yeah, yeah. I deserve that. I guess with everything that's happened, I feel like part of my badass is gone. Oh, before I forget, I heard from my doctor today. I officially can't wrestle anymore unless I want to permanently damage my wrist. So that part of my life is over.
LAUREN:Okay then. I hope we'll be able to talk when I get back.
LAUREN:I can't tell if you're being serious or sarcastic right now, but either way, I know I haven't made things easy on you lately. If I could take it all back and change it, I would.
PUCK:I don't know why you're saying having like it's over and you don't anymore. Stop pushing people away, and let them in. Even if it's not me, it should be someone.
PUCK:It's not a stupid little trip. I know everyone loves to get out of Lima any chance they can.
PUCK:How do we just not fight? Cause that's all we seem to do lately.
LAUREN:It's because I don't really know anymore. I mean, Tina and Rachel and I are still okay. But you and Kurt...I just feel like I'm losing both of you and I don't know what the fuck I can do to stop it. I swear I'm trying...it's just really, really hard for me.
LAUREN:Okay, it's not stupid and I'm really excited for the concert. But I meant what I said. I'd push back the trip a little if it means I can see you and try to fix things. You mean more to me than LA and John Mayer ever could.
LAUREN:Well, I could start out by trying not to be such a major bitch all the time. And I could work on letting you in, seeing/talking to you more and making the effort to let you know that no matter what, I care about you.
PUCK:Yeah, but you said that the other day, and then we fought, and you made it seem like you didn't want to talk to me until after Hanukkah was over.
PUCK:You can't just go through everything alone. Do you really want to go back to that? Just like everything that happened meant nothing?
PUCK:I answered you honestly and said I don't know what to do about all of this. I'm sick of all this fighting all the time. I won't be back until tomorrow night, and you can't miss out on your trip. You should go and have a good time.
LAUREN:I was angry and upset. I'm sorry. I only said what I said because I didn't know when I'd see you next.
LAUREN:I don't know. All I do know is that while it was nice having real friends, I never felt as horrible as I do now when I was by myself.
LAUREN:Can we just not fight then? Figure things out without arguing about them? I can push back the trip by a day, if that means I get to see you. You mean more to me than a stupid little trip.
PUCK:Because I care about you, and I thought that's what we were supposed to do for each other.
PUCK:That is not what it should tell you at all. You've got people who care about you, and want to help you. That's all I've wanted to do, and from that you get that you shouldn't have made friends at all? You were just saying how great Rick was because he was a new friend...You are driving me crazy.
PUCK:Fine. If that's how you want it. I hope you have a good time in LA. You deserve to.
LAUREN:I said I would be better at talking to you about things, especially now that I'm not as messed up. But then we fight and all I want is for us to be good again.
LAUREN:If letting people in means that I get attached to them and then end up fighting with them and losing them, I figure it would've been better to not let them in in the first place. Shit never used to hurt this much when I didn't let people in.
LAUREN:God dammit, Puck! It's not what I wanted at all! I said I wanted to try and work things out. You said you didn't know. I'm not going to push you in any direction, so this is me still wanting to be with you and just waiting for you to tell me what you want to do with us. I'm not considering our relationship over until you specifically tell me you want to break up. I'm just so tired of fighting with you...I just want to see you and tell you how sorry I am for everything.
PUCK:That's what you said, and how have I even done that? I'm not pushing you away because you have issues. I've done nothing but practically beg for you to talk to me about them.
PUCK:Wow. Well I am really glad that you have someone who makes you feel that way. I had no idea that is how you saw it.
PUCK:It's not that I don't want to be with you; it's that this isn't working.
LAUREN:I don't know. You just seem more excited to talk to her and to see her. You know it's hard for me to talk about stuff like that, even to you. It's more easier dealing with them myself.
LAUREN:Wait, that's not how I wanted it to come out. It's just...it's easy with Rich because we just became friends. Kurt and I are barely talking right now, you and I are having issues and Rachel and Tina were busy dealing with their own things. He just was one of the only people lately that actually seemed excited to be friends with me. And I didn't want to do anything to make you feel worse, but I guess that backfired.
LAUREN:Yeah. I guess we've got two ways to go about fixing this. We can either both really try to be better at communicating with each other and I can work on not shutting you out. Or we could just break up. I'm down for trying, if you are. Be honest, okay...what do you want to do?
PUCK:You just said that I don't put you first or second. That's you bringing it up and using it against me. You also used it as a reason why you wouldn't come to me to talk about stuff.
PUCK:Yes. I don't get how you can talk about things with everyone else apparently. I mean, you even became such good friends with Rick that you two are like siblings now, but we haven't spoken or seen each other outside of school in like a month or something.
PUCK:I don't know. Maybe this all was a bad idea.
LAUREN:I don't have a problem not being first. I have a problem not being second, especially when you make me feel like you care more about Santana than you ever have for me. I wouldn't come talk to you about stuff because I was afraid this would happen. That talking about things would push you away because I've got too many issues.
LAUREN:Maybe it's because he actually makes it seem like he wants to hang out with me. The last time I said I'd be better about us hanging out, we ended up arguing and I thought you were pissed at me. You said I make you feel worthless. I hated myself after that. I never wanted you to feel that way.
LAUREN:Is this your way of saying you want to break up? Because if you don't want to be with me anymore, all you have to do is say so.
RACHEL:Don't be ridiculous Lauren. It's not as if I'm doing anything right now. I didn't have any specific plans for tonight anyway. Besides, it's been far too long since we've spent time together, I miss you
LAUREN:Apparently I'm just full of ridiculousness tonight.
LAUREN:If you're sure, I'd like that. I miss you too, Rach. A lot.
PUCK:Give me a break, you bring it up all the time.
PUCK:Santana's my friend, and she'll actually talk to me. We talk out in the open about all of that stuff, so I would expect that you've seen it. I'm not trying to hide anything, because I wasn't doing anything wrong. I'm not always with her. She invited me to the Hamptons and I went because it sounded like fun, and I wanted the vacation.
PUCK:You mean like how I texted you and told you instead of talking about it on tumblr to someone else so you could just read it? Yeah, exactly like that. You're trying to twist this like I'm jealous of this guy, when all I said was I'd never heard of him, and didn't know you two were close let alone that you'd want to go to LA with him. It just shows that we don't talk at all about anything lately. It's pointless and exhausting.
LAUREN:No, you bring it up because you've never truly believed that I'm actually okay with it. I've never brought it up and used it against you.
LAUREN:I was wrong not to text you before I talked about it over Tumblr with Tina, I know that. And I never said you were jealous of him. I'm not twisting your words, so don't twist mine. What's pointless and exhausting? Talking to me?
LAUREN:What the hell happened to us? We never used to be like this, Puck. We used to have fun with each other and never argue.
RACHEL:Do you want to talk about it? I'm still at Blaine's, but it's just me and Elton here at the moment, so you could come over whenever you like. I might not be the best person to give relationship advice but..I can do my best. And I want to give you a hug, regardless. I'm sure it'll all be ok, Lauren.
LAUREN:I could, but I don't want to ruin your night. Thanks Rach, I could use a hug right now. I hope it will...
PUCK:It's not crap. You bring it up every time, so clearly you're not as alright with it as you thought.
PUCK:I didn't say anything about you not getting away. All I did was wonder why you didn't bother to tell me shit, and since when you're so close with this Rick guy. You'd never mentioned him to me. I didn't know who he was.
LAUREN:I do not bring it up all the time. I've never given you shit for spending time with Beth. Never. What I'm not okay with is that any time you're not with Beth, you're with Santana. Or if you're not with Santana, you're talking to her about her tits and being blown. I can see all that, Puck. Just because I haven't said anything doesn't mean I haven't seen it all.
LAUREN:Oh, like how you told me you going to be in the Hamptons when you were already there? I'm still in town, Puck. I just found out about the tickets last night and was planning to text you. We're not leaving till tomorrow. I haven't mentioned him to you because we've barely talked and whenever we did, we were arguing. I don't understand what the big deal is with Rich. We think alike and like the same kind of music, so we started calling each other twin. He's like a brother to me.
So if it’s about you and your issues, how come you have no problem being around anyone else? Sorry your parents tried to pawn me off on you then. At least you got out of that one. You didn’t even think to tell me that you were leaving, so I can’t say that I really believe that I was your first choice for anything.
I have no problem being around anyone else anymore because I took the time I needed to get back to being myself. It also helps that Rich and Tina actually make it seem like they like hanging out with me. You know that’s not what they tried to do and how I see things. That’s a fucking low blow, Puck. I guess I could say the same for you and me not being your first or second choice for anything either.
Seriously that long? UGH, I thought it was like a couple days. People with lives and plan and crap, blarg! I may go snowboarding alone. Or you know, or bake my feelings into some delicious Christmas treats. Either one.
Yeah, New Years sounds good. I was thinking about having a party at my house to “thank” my parents for leaving me alone.
The way it’s looking, we’ll probably be back a few days after Christmas. So it’s not really that long. Baking your feelings, huh? I might need in on that, actually.
Your place or my place works for me. As long as we throw a huge one and not something lame, I’m in. Thank god you’re back here.
I wasn’t. I just don’t understand how we can be together, and never talk or spend any time together. But I guess you’ll pin that one all on me. Maybe it is my fault. Whatever. Well that’s great. Have fun with Rick in LA.
Stop it, okay? Just stop it. We both know that us not spending much time together or talking much was because of me and my issues. Yet whenever I say that, you look at it like it’s an excuse. Did you know that my parents wanted me to take you with me to LA? That they know you’ve been there for me during all the shit I’ve been going through this year and they thought it would’ve been fun for us. You were my first choice to take on this trip, dammit. But you’re in the Hamptons. And with Santana. So forgive me for not wanting to spend this break and Christmas by myself.
I wasn’t pissed about anything. I am trying to understand how you’re so excited about something that you run to text Rick, and I don’t enter your mind whatsoever. Did you know he had tickets too? Cause I didn’t even know that you knew any Warblers outside of the tumblr invasion. So you guys really related or something?
It sure as hell sounded like you were pissed at me the other day, but then again, it’s hard to tell someone’s tone over texts. First of all, his name is Rich not Rick. Second of all, if I remember correctly, you’re in the Hamptons with Santana and I thought you were pissed at me, so I didn’t want to ruin the rest of your fun. Third of all, Rich is my concert buddy and we made a deal that whenever one of us heard of an upcoming concert, that we were gonna let the other know and go together. He didn’t know until I told him and since he wasn’t doing anything this break, I asked him to come with me. We’re not really related, but we should be.
Right. Wouldn’t want to stop packing to send me a text or anything. That sounds like fun though. Gotta be much better weather than in Ohio. Who’s your twin?
Look, could we not argue right now? I know you’re still pissed or whatever, but I’m sorry my excitement got the best of me. I hope the weather is better…all I’m asking for is for it to at least be 20 degrees warmer there. Oh, you don’t know my twin? My twin is Rich, from the Warblers. He’s awesome.
Uh, yeah. I was about to text you actually, but I got preoccupied with packing. My parents left on some holiday cruise the other night, since they don’t want to be here on Christmas. They gave me their Christmas present though and it was John Mayer concert tickets…to a show in LA. So I’m flying to LA with my twin for the show, but we’ll be back before New Year’s.